Fighter
by KittieMia
Summary: Emma shows her weaknesses. Serious self harm trigger, especially for chapter two. CaptianXSwan Fluff. After their first night together, Killian notices her scars. Then one day she can't fight it any longer. DISCLAIMER:: I don't own the characters, only the story-line. Hope you enjoy and review. EDITED AND FIXED
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1- Scars (A flashback)**

Emma wakes slowly and in a daze. It takes her a while before she realises that this is not her bed, and she is not alone. Her first instinct is to run, but when she feels a familiar pair of soft lips press against her bare shoulder her heart melts. The memories of the night before come flooding back to her and she bites her lip to hide her smile: She made love to a pirate last night.

"Morning, love." Killian murmurs in her ear.

Emma turns to face him with a smile. Looking at his warm eyes, she is aware that she looks highly unattractive, but can't find it in her to care enough to do anything to change that just yet. "Hey, Captain."

The pirate leans forward for a kiss, but Emma backs away, all of a sudden caring about her appearance. "Sorry," she gives him a reassuring smile to calm the alarmed look on his handsome face, "I just need to use the bathroom."

Full of confidence, Emma slides out of the bed and goes into the en suite bathroom and locks the door, keeping her back to him the entire time. Checking herself in the mirror she ties up her thick blonde hair and admires the hickeys on her neck with an amused smile. Once she is satisfied with her presentation she returns to see Killian sitting up in the bed, adjusting his hook.

Shooting him a little smile, Emma opens the large wooden wardrobe beside the door to the bathroom and takes out a shirt. "Sorry, you don't mind do you? I'm kind of cold now."

"Not at all love, although why don't you come back here so I can change that?" He is grinning wickedly.

She grins back and sits delicately on the side of the bed as she buttons the shirt. Once she's covered, she climbs back under the dark covers. Now that it's bright, Emma can see her partner's body more clearly and notices the unnatural marks that cover him. She touches a scar on his shoulder, "What happened there?" she wonders aloud.

"Gunshot." Killian looks down at her, his eyelids heavy.

Emma frowns, "What about that one?" she asks, pointing to the upper part of his full arm.

"A childhood injury. I fell from a tree." A smirk appears on his lips.

Emma laughs; picturing a young Killian being a total rascal. Then with more seriousness she says, "You can learn a lot about a person from their scars."

"Aye, Swan." He nods. "Tell me about the marks on your leg."

Immediately, Emma knows which marks he is referencing. They weren't visible now that she's covered, but they would have been noticeable when she had come out of the bathroom. A red scar stretched across the inside and back of her right thigh, a reminder of her days as a runaway. "I got caught in barbed wire." Upon seeing the pirate's confused expression, she explains, "It's a pointed metal, usually on top of fences."

Killian grimaces, probably imagining the pain she had endured and then asks, "And your hip?"

Emma's heart beat increases with a sudden panic, however her voice remains calm. "You mean the tattoo?" She explains that the permanent writing is her own name written in an ancient language and that Belle had helped her to design it.

"Yes, I did admire that, but I was talking about your other hip." He lifts the bottom of the shirt with the cold metal of his hook so that she can see what he means.

Emma sits up a little straighter in the bed and glances at her hip where the hook still lies. The skin there is uneven and streaked with pale lines. Her heart is beating even faster now, "They're stretch marks, Killian. It's not like they're unusual."

Her voice still sounds completely natural, but the pirate gives her a knowing look, "Swan, I've been with enough women to know stretch marks when I see them."

Emma sinks back into the bed, lying on her back and avoiding his gaze. Killian lies beside her, raised by his arm propping him up. A concerned frown forms on his face, "You don't need to hide anything from me, love."

The sheriff throws her hands over her face. She can't stand him gazing at her with a face so full of love. He cares so much right now and he's going to hate her so much when he knows how weak she is. Eyes still covered, she says, "It was done with a knife."

There is a long pause and Emma knows that Killian is waiting for her to continue but she can't; she doesn't know how. She doubts that self harm is common where he comes from. She knows that it is a hard concept for people here to understand, let alone someone from a land where all of your dreams come true. He will have questions, and answering them will fill him with understanding. It will ruin a sort of innocence in him that she can't bare to destroy. A pirate is always far from innocent and she knows he has seen hardship before but that does not mean that he should have to see more sorrow now. She stays silent, waiting for the questions he will ask.

"Why would someone hurt you like that?" Emma can hear him frowning and it fills her with anxiety. She isn't used to people caring about her. "They hated me." She tells him, still refusing to look at him.

"What for?" Hook sounds unable to believe that anyone could hate her so much, which at another time might have amused her.

"I was just never good enough."

There is a long pause and Emma is about to lower her hands from her face when Killian asks with a confused yet still gentle tone, "Swan, who was the person that harmed you?"

A gigantic sigh escapes her; so huge it actually hurts her chest. She would never lie to him and sees the truth as the only option right now but she's scared. She doesn't want anyone to know how weak she can be under pressure, especially when she is supposed to be a saviour. Finally she peeks out from under her hands. It is just as she had feared; concern is plastered across the pirate's face. She tries to ignore the nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach. "Me. I did it to myself. I was a failure, I needed and deserved the pain. I still am a failure actually, only now I'm not stupid enough to ruin my body because of it."

Killian puts his arms around her and she curls into his chest, thankful she doesn't have to look into his eyes any longer. "I didn't mean to upset you, love." He says, rubbing her shoulder comfortingly with his hand. "But believe me, your body is not ruined. You're beautiful and those scars on your hip show strength. You were- and still are- incredibly strong to keep fighting."

Emma's breathing calms a little, although she can't believe that he isn't disappointed in her. He's a pirate; he should jump ship at any sign of weakness, should he not? Glancing up at him, she asks with only a hint of disbelief, "You really think that?"

"Aye." Her captain nods. "You're still here Saviour, stronger than ever, and I for one don't know where I'd be without you."

 **I hope you enjoyed it. Review?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Now**

The moment she is alone, Emma heads straight to Hook's apartment, knowing that he is the only person in the town who she can trust to take care of her, when all she wants to do is run away, curl up and die. He is no longer staying at Granny's; he has his own place now where the couple spend the majority of their time together.

When she arrives, Emma hammers at the door but no one answers. Tears start to stream down her face. She is terrified of being alone right now. She doesn't feel like herself and has no control over her erratic emotions. She could do anything. Shaking, the Sherriff opens the door with her spare key and stumbles inside. She trips ungracefully over everything in her path until she reaches the bedroom, a place she associates with peace and quiet. Emma collapses onto the bed, sobbing hysterically.

She is supposed to be the saviour of this town, but she doesn't know where to start. Any saving she has done so far has been guesswork, and even then she has always had help. She is a sorry excuse for a Sherriff, for a saviour, for a mother and for a girlfriend. No wonder Hook wasn't home, why would he want to see her?

The poisonous thoughts whirl around her head, never ceasing. She doesn't know how long she lies there for, consumed by self-hatred. She begins to feel the need for pain, because physical pain is so much easier to deal with than this overwhelming emotion that causes her to feel like she's drowning. Emma knows her pirate must keep a razor in his home somewhere, but she hesitates. She doesn't want to disappoint him by ruining her body even further. He deserves so much more than some broken saviour who thinks slicing her skin open will somehow make her stronger, or a better version of herself.

Then she can't wait anymore. The urge is too strong. Emma sits up on the bed, kicking off her shoes and stripping off her jacket at the same time. She takes off all of her clothes and shoves them hastily into the wardrobe, slamming it shut with shaking hands. It's hard to focus on her surroundings; all she can think about is the pounding of her heart and the need for release.

She ransacks the bathroom, searching every shelf of every cupboard until she finds a clean and unused razor. Emma switches on the shower and while it's warming up, she breaks the plastic away from the tiny blades. Once they're free she steps into the shower. She doesn't even look at her hip, just swipes the blade across it, gasping at the sting. She does it again, and again. She loses count, although it wasn't that many as there was only so much space on her hip. As the water continues to run she looks down to see blood everywhere. It covers her entire leg and the bottom of the shower. Emma chokes back a sob. It doesn't even hurt.

"Swan?"

Emma almost slips in shock. Standing in the doorway is Killian, looking like he's just seen a ghost. She whimpers, regret filling her. Regret for letting him see this, regret for hurting him. She feels no regret for the pain she has caused herself. She sees his eyes meet the blade in her hand and watches as realisation floods his features. Without care for himself, he steps into the shower fully clothed and takes the blade from her hand.

"No," Emma murmurs, her voice cracking, "I'm not done."

"Aye, Swan." He says softly, nodding. "You are."

She shakes her head as she watches him throw the blade away. He doesn't understand- she needs it back. "Not enough pain… I can't feel it Killian. It doesn't even hurt."

Hook comes back to her and takes her face into his hands, hushing her. "You're hurt enough." He holds her there in the shower while she cries.

When she finally calms down he takes a towel and dries her off, careful not to hurt her anymore. He changes out of his own wet clothes while Emma bandages up her wounds. She won't let him near them, embarrassed of her weakness and he doesn't have the heart to fight her while she is in this state. When they are both cleaned up, he takes her by the hand and leads her to the bed. He lifts up the duvet so she can climb in and tucks it in around her.

He softly runs his hand through her hair. "I love you and I am here for you. You can trust me."

"I know that Killian, I just…" She shakes her head, "I need to find-"

"No, love. You need to sleep." He insists and watches as she finally closes her eyes, exhausted.

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